Why did I allow myself to think that I could bring back something that was never meant to be? I wish I didn’t care as much as I do about this. It has never been a time when I felt so stupid as I do right now. I am so quick to think that everything will be alright. But as soon as that time comes, I get down. Man, I can’t stand this shit. I feel like a little kid that is gleaming about Santa only to find out that it’s your mama and older brother putting gifts out (that’s my actual story of how I found out about Santa). I can’t stop myself from feeling like I did the wrong thing by reaching out. I thought I was doing the right thing. Why couldn’t I just be told they did not want to be bothered? Damn, I am so dumb! They led me to believe that they wanted the same thing. They gave me hope again. I thought we would be family again. Why did I think that? Why couldn’t I leave well enough alone? I wish it weren’t like this. I wish we would have had a chance to speak our peace and move on. I guess I didn’t need the closure. But why do I want the closure so damn badly? Because I am stupid, that’s why. I have to be okay with not knowing how they feel about me and how I hurt them.
I am hurt right now, but I will be okay with time.
“Goodbyes hurt when the story is not finished, and the book has been closed.”— Jnd