“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” — Maya Angelou
Going into my 35th year this year, I noticed that I have been shifting a lot in the past two years. And this shift that is taking place is not pleasant. Not one bit. This shift has brought me to dangerously low moments that I thought I would never recover. I wanted out of this change I was going through because I did not see anything good coming from it. Why did there this shift have to bring so much loss and pain? Why did I have to deal with doors shutting in my face? I want this change to go away. I want change without the sides effects. Can I just stay the way I am?
Today I realize that the shift was necessary. I needed the shift because my outlook on the world was clouded. I saw every closed door as a punishment instead of seeing it as saving grace. Those dangerously low moments were when I tried it my way and ran into a wall. The pain and the loss I had only came because I needed to let go of things that were not serving me anymore. Me fighting against the shift was why I felt the discomfort. Discomfort comes from you wanting to stay where you are, but your mind knows that it is time to make moves.
I feel confident that once I am completely done shifting, I will truly see the beauty of my purpose.
Come Follow Me 🌟☺️
Rooting For the Girl in the Mirror
I know that we are on month three of finding your new path, but I want to tell you that I am still behind you. You have everything that you need to make an impact wherever you go. Do not let that nasty thought of you not being good enough because that is not true. You are learning to be patient, and with that patience, the good energy you have been missing these few months. I am happy the lump in your throat has gone, and the emptiness you felt in your stomach has been filled with hope and purpose again. I will not downplay how it is hard not knowing what will happen next, but you can make it through. All this pain and sadness you dealt with will not go unheard. You were made for this moment, even if it does not feel like it. This pep talk is not to make you have a false sense of positivity; this pep talk is to keep you grounded as you wait.
Lastly, I want to tell you that you are loved. You are not a failure. You could never be a failure because you did not give up. You are awesome. May this week bring you so much favor and grace. Remember Ari; YOU WERE MADE FOR THIS MOMENT! Don’t forget it.
Love You Always,
Hi Baby Girl,
This is your mama. I know that God has not sent you to me yet, but I want to talk to you because I can feel you near me. I am trying my hardest to be the best woman I can be to be ready for you. I dream about you often. I can see your almond-colored skin and your tight curly fro. You have my smile and your daddy’s eyebrows. Your eyes sparkle like the night’s sky. In my dreams, I can feel how smooth and soft your skin is. No one can tell me that I haven’t already held you; that’s how real my dreams are of you. But when I open my eyes, you are gone.
Baby Girl, I want you to know that I will always love you. I will fight hard for you. I will move every mountain out the way for you. You will never have to question if I will be by your side. No matter how big or small your dreams are, I will be there cheering you on. I will teach you how to follow your heart and love who you are. Baby Girl, I know you will do amazing things in your life. I hope I will be the mother you want and love. I hope that I can be your biggest hero. And more importantly, I hope when I make mistakes, you can forgive me.
So until I get to have you down here on earth, I will be satisfied with seeing you in my dreams.
Hi. My name is Ari, and I have no patience (Hi Ari). Seriously, I never had any patience. My Mama said that as a child, I always wanted to rush things along to check it off to say that I did it. So now, as a 34-year-old woman trying to unlearn this horrible habit is exhausting. What my Mama was not aware of in the ’90s, but is putting it together now, I am an anxious person. Waiting puts me in a state of worry and panic because I cannot see the finish line. As I am writing this, I can see my therapist, my therapist looking at me with her big smile, saying, “Ari, you cannot control everything all the time,” “Somethings are out of our control.” I am trying not to roll my eyes. But I cannot find the art of patience.
Since I have been searching for a new job, I began to see how by slowing down and taking my hands off things that I am not in control of, I was able to see positive feedback and a new way of seeing waiting. I realize waiting gives you a chance to do something you have been putting off (like me reading more books because my mind is not on an offer letter). Now do not get me wrong; I still try to sneak and see if things are cooking. But like my grandma Daisy (rest peacefully) would say, “The more you keep looking in the pot, the more time it will take to boil.” She has never fib to me. EVER. So I am taking my angel’s advice and keeping myself away from the pot (within reason, okay y’all) until it is time for it to boil.
I want to end this story with this powerful quote from Saint Francis De Sales that beautifully said, “Have patience with all things, but first of all with yourself.”
Note to Self
I am proud of you. Even though the past two months have not been the best for you, you are still standing. Thank you for not giving up because it has been challenging. I know that you have been down, but you were never out. In these couple of months, you learned that you only have control of what you can control. You learned that you must be patient and allow the moment for change to come when it was supposed to. I know that anxiety has been beating you down, but you cannot submit to it. I know you hate people telling you that everything will be fine, but you are not drowning, so you can make it through. This roadblock is only a test that you will be able to say to others that are going through the same thing can overcome this. You are here for a reason, and I am so happy that you are still fighting to show the world your purpose. You are loved and respected by family and friends. You inspire people that you meet each day to have a purpose.
I know you want to move into your next chapter in your life, but right now, your Heavenly Spirit is asking you to find grace from within and be still. You are almost at the end of the trial; you just have to hold on for a little more. There is no rush because you are not in any competition with anyone. I love you, Ari. I am your biggest cheerleader (well, next to the Hubs and Mama LOL). You can rest assured that you will receive all you want and then some. Keep fight. Keep standing tall. And most of all, keep being true to yourself. You are amazing.
Love You Always,
The grey clouds of my two-month depressive episode have rolled away! I thought this day would never come that I could feel relief. Depression is such a weight that I would not wish on anyone. It keeps you clouded and blocks you off from the world. It is so hard being around things that are supposed to make you happy, but those clouds of depression are so thick I could never see happiness around me. You miss having a reason to get up without tricking yourself into doing so. So even though I am trying to figure out when these depression clouds will come back (thanks Anxiety girl), I will enjoy all the sunny days I am going to get. I will not waste any time looking back at where the clouds were.
Before I leave, if anyone is in a moment of depression, understand that I know that you cannot see the sun, but trust me, friend you will see bright skies soon. I want you to stay safe and know that I am here for you, friend if you need me. I love you, and you are not alone.
Hello Old Friend
Hi Old Friend,
Wow. It’s been a while since I spoke to you. You randomly came into my mind today, and I thought it would only be fair to reach out to you. I want you to know that I am not mad at you. I do not hate you. I still love you, and that love will never go away. I cannot stop thinking that maybe we could sit down together and talk one day. I just want to know how you are doing. I want to know if everyone in your family is okay. I want to hear about trips you have been on since we last spoke. I want to hear about your new goals and successes (I am still rooting for you, sis). I miss our inside jokes. I miss singing with you. I miss our random lunch dates. I miss laughing with you. I miss crying with you.
I often pick up my phone to call you, but I know I might not get you. I want to message you, but I am afraid you will read it but never respond. I can think about how we said we would be friends no matter what. I do not know what went wrong. I am sorry if I was not always right there with you, and I am sorry that life got in the way. I just remember the last time we talk; it felt different. I felt that we were going separate ways, but I wanted our friendship. I promise. We have been friends for a long time, and I am hurt that we are not friends. Our friendship was something I did not want to lose again, and I did. Time has gone by, and I am the last person you are thinking about, and that makes sense. We do not talk, so why would I think you are thinking about me. Sometimes I try to forget you, but when a funny video comes up that I know you would love, I think about you again, friend.
Well, thank you for being there for me when we were friends, and thank you for the good times. I pray that you win in everything you set your mind to. I love you, and please do not forget that.