This is your mama. I know that God has not sent you to me yet, but I want to talk to you because I can feel you near me. I am trying my hardest to be the best woman I can be to be ready for you. I dream about you often. I can see your almond-colored skin and your tight curly fro. You have my smile and your daddy’s eyebrows. Your eyes sparkle like the night’s sky. In my dreams, I can feel how smooth and soft your skin is. No one can tell me that I haven’t already held you; that’s how real my dreams are of you. But when I open my eyes, you are gone.
Baby Girl, I want you to know that I will always love you. I will fight hard for you. I will move every mountain out the way for you. You will never have to question if I will be by your side. No matter how big or small your dreams are, I will be there cheering you on. I will teach you how to follow your heart and love who you are. Baby Girl, I know you will do amazing things in your life. I hope I will be the mother you want and love. I hope that I can be your biggest hero. And more importantly, I hope when I make mistakes, you can forgive me.
So until I get to have you down here on earth, I will be satisfied with seeing you in my dreams.
Hi. My name is Ari, and I have no patience (Hi Ari). Seriously, I never had any patience. My Mama said that as a child, I always wanted to rush things along to check it off to say that I did it. So now, as a 34-year-old woman trying to unlearn this horrible habit is exhausting. What my Mama was not aware of in the ’90s, but is putting it together now, I am an anxious person. Waiting puts me in a state of worry and panic because I cannot see the finish line. As I am writing this, I can see my therapist, my therapist looking at me with her big smile, saying, “Ari, you cannot control everything all the time,” “Somethings are out of our control.” I am trying not to roll my eyes. But I cannot find the art of patience.
Since I have been searching for a new job, I began to see how by slowing down and taking my hands off things that I am not in control of, I was able to see positive feedback and a new way of seeing waiting. I realize waiting gives you a chance to do something you have been putting off (like me reading more books because my mind is not on an offer letter). Now do not get me wrong; I still try to sneak and see if things are cooking. But like my grandma Daisy (rest peacefully) would say, “The more you keep looking in the pot, the more time it will take to boil.” She has never fib to me. EVER. So I am taking my angel’s advice and keeping myself away from the pot (within reason, okay y’all) until it is time for it to boil.
I want to end this story with this powerful quote from Saint Francis De Sales that beautifully said, “Have patience with all things, but first of all with yourself.”
I am proud of you. Even though the past two months have not been the best for you, you are still standing. Thank you for not giving up because it has been challenging. I know that you have been down, but you were never out. In these couple of months, you learned that you only have control of what you can control. You learned that you must be patient and allow the moment for change to come when it was supposed to. I know that anxiety has been beating you down, but you cannot submit to it. I know you hate people telling you that everything will be fine, but you are not drowning, so you can make it through. This roadblock is only a test that you will be able to say to others that are going through the same thing can overcome this. You are here for a reason, and I am so happy that you are still fighting to show the world your purpose. You are loved and respected by family and friends. You inspire people that you meet each day to have a purpose.
I know you want to move into your next chapter in your life, but right now, your Heavenly Spirit is asking you to find grace from within and be still. You are almost at the end of the trial; you just have to hold on for a little more. There is no rush because you are not in any competition with anyone. I love you, Ari. I am your biggest cheerleader (well, next to the Hubs and Mama LOL). You can rest assured that you will receive all you want and then some. Keep fight. Keep standing tall. And most of all, keep being true to yourself. You are amazing.
The grey clouds of my two-month depressive episode have rolled away! I thought this day would never come that I could feel relief. Depression is such a weight that I would not wish on anyone. It keeps you clouded and blocks you off from the world. It is so hard being around things that are supposed to make you happy, but those clouds of depression are so thick I could never see happiness around me. You miss having a reason to get up without tricking yourself into doing so. So even though I am trying to figure out when these depression clouds will come back (thanks Anxiety girl), I will enjoy all the sunny days I am going to get. I will not waste any time looking back at where the clouds were.
Before I leave, if anyone is in a moment of depression, understand that I know that you cannot see the sun, but trust me, friend you will see bright skies soon. I want you to stay safe and know that I am here for you, friend if you need me. I love you, and you are not alone.
Wow. It’s been a while since I spoke to you. You randomly came into my mind today, and I thought it would only be fair to reach out to you. I want you to know that I am not mad at you. I do not hate you. I still love you, and that love will never go away. I cannot stop thinking that maybe we could sit down together and talk one day. I just want to know how you are doing. I want to know if everyone in your family is okay. I want to hear about trips you have been on since we last spoke. I want to hear about your new goals and successes (I am still rooting for you, sis). I miss our inside jokes. I miss singing with you. I miss our random lunch dates. I miss laughing with you. I miss crying with you.
I often pick up my phone to call you, but I know I might not get you. I want to message you, but I am afraid you will read it but never respond. I can think about how we said we would be friends no matter what. I do not know what went wrong. I am sorry if I was not always right there with you, and I am sorry that life got in the way. I just remember the last time we talk; it felt different. I felt that we were going separate ways, but I wanted our friendship. I promise. We have been friends for a long time, and I am hurt that we are not friends. Our friendship was something I did not want to lose again, and I did. Time has gone by, and I am the last person you are thinking about, and that makes sense. We do not talk, so why would I think you are thinking about me. Sometimes I try to forget you, but when a funny video comes up that I know you would love, I think about you again, friend.
Well, thank you for being there for me when we were friends, and thank you for the good times. I pray that you win in everything you set your mind to. I love you, and please do not forget that.
I decided that I had enough crying, and I wanted to speak to my Heavenly spirits to see what directions I needed to go. The cards I pulled fit, but I still felt hurt and anxious. As I was shuffling my cards to put them away, The Six of Swords jumped out of the deck faced upright. I began reading the message that the Heavenly Spirits wanted me to know. The line that stuck out to me was, “The Six of Swords invites you to let go of whatever is holding you back, be it from your past or your present circumstances.” Man, Heavenly Spirits, you do not play games.
I have been holding on to my exiting my Director position. I felt that I let the families down that. I was helping in that position. I felt like I let my husband, and if I did not fix the problem, he would leave (my thoughts, not his). I kept getting rejected from jobs that I knew I could do great in but was not given a chance to show them. And now I am on pins and needles because I am waiting for a job to get back to me to see if they want me, making me worry more.
After reading this message, I understand that I will not be ready for this job or any job if I keep looking behind me. I cannot fix the past. It is only up to me to leave it behind and look towards the horizon. I am tired of holding on to things that I do not need to. I am ready for these rough seas to calm down so I can enjoy what the future has for me; I am releasing myself from this baggage to see the good that is coming to me.
Thank you, Heavenly Spirits, for giving me direction. I am glad I opened myself up to you again.
I recently got into tarot cards. When I was younger and fully invested in organized religion, I thought tarot cards and their readings were “ungodly” (poor little Ari). Tonight I decided to pull cards because I am trying to figure out where I need to focus my attention. I have been out of work for about two months, and I would be lying to you if I said that my being without work was not weighing on me mentally. As I drew my cards, The Chariot card popped out of my hand onto my desk. When I flipped it over, I noticed that it was reversed. I went to look up what my Heavenly Spirits wanted me to know about where to place my focus, and their message took my breath away. Their message said, “You are letting obstacles and challenges get in the way, preventing you from achieving what you set out to do.” Why are you slapping me across my face, Heavenly Spirits? Since walking away from my job, my love for my vision started cooling down some. I began to think that what I was dreaming about was not worth chasing anymore. Seeing The Chariot Reversed made me understand it was time to stop feeling defeated from the battle I had just finished, and it was time to end the war. My purpose is more significant than any obstacle could be. I cannot let the flame burn out because where I left could not see my heart. It was not up to me to change their minds, but it is up to me to help change people’s lives.
After reading The Chariot Reversed card, I realized that I could not keep allowing walls that I built from my doubt to keep me from achieving my purpose. I am here on Earth for a reason, and it is not to allow others to keep me trapped, even if that person is myself. I am here to be the cheerleader for the community. I am here to be the voice for the unheard ones. I am here to show people that no matter what is in their way, they can still get to their purpose if they keep pushing towards it.
Thank you, Heavenly Spirits, for showing me the way out of my darkness.
I sobbed today during therapy. I just felt so overwhelmed that I couldn’t help but cry. It has been so hard not being where I want to be in life. Please don’t get me wrong; I am thankful for everything I have, but I want a little more comfort. It hurts so much thinking that everything is going right, and all of a sudden, you run into the wall. It’s been a month and a half of me running into walls. It’s killing me. I want some relief from these constant blocks in my way. I know that I have to accept that I can’t control everything, but could I have control of one thing? I am sick of crying. I am sick of being stuck in this runt. This hurt is something I would not put on anyone. I can’t even close my eyes to sleep without being hit over the head with all the negative thoughts that float around. I feel so uncomfortable in my body. Happiness feels so foreign and distant. I want happiness, but I may be wishing for too much. I am just tired. I feel like a child lost in a big store trying to find their mom. There is a small piece of me that is still praying for the day that the clouds of uncertainty and sadness would break away from me. But who knows if that day will ever come. But for now, I will deal with the clouds.
I want to say that you really made me work this year mentally. I honestly cannot believe that I am still standing. I was hard on myself, and I almost felt that it wasn’t a purpose for me. But thankfully, I had my angels on Earth and in Heaven to comfort me. 2021 you taught me that I should not regret or doubt when I walk away from things and people that do not bring me peace. No matter who or what I am walking from, it will be okay. 2021 you made me cry a lot, but it was because you were resetting me for something greater. Something that I cannot even imagine. You kept the people I love and respect around me safe from harm. You kept my mother and my husband and I COVID-free! Thank you for favor.
I know you are not in control of what 2022 has in store for me, but one thing you did do was prepare me for whatever comes my way. I thank you for all the lessons that I learned along the way. You truly shaped me for the better.