A December Love #2

Hey Love,

To be your wife is such an amazing ride. We laugh, we share fears, and we grow. And when there are moments where we struggle, we remind each other of the reason why we got married, and those storms roll away. No marriage is perfect, but ours is a perfect fit. You make it easy for me to be myself. I can take the mask off and just be me with open arms and a warm smile. When I am not around you, I feel like I’m missing something. We were meant to share the same space. You are my soulmate. You are my best friend. You are my lover. You are my husband. There has never or never will be a man who makes me feel the way you do. I will ride to the ends of the Earth and back with you forever. You are my Pilot, and I am your co.

Love you forever plus ten more.

Your Wife

A December Love #1

My 4th wedding anniversary is coming up on December 22nd, and what would be a great way to celebrate it by writing a love letter each day to my husband? So that is what I am doing! Here it goes:

Honey,

From the first day we shared space, I knew I loved you. The way you listened to me and looked at me, I knew you felt the same way. There is never a time that goes by that I don’t think about that first day. You are so patient with me, and you always make me feel safe. I love how, on my lowest days, you still love me. Our love is something that I have always prayed for. I thank God for you. Thank you for taking this journey with me.

I love you always

You Wife

Sweet Escape

I want to run away

To an undisclosed location

A location that has no stress

No sadness

No worries

Only hope

It would be a great release

Relaxation

Happiness

Peace

Sweet escape

Baby Come Soon

I held a baby Friday, and my anxiety went haywire. Will I ever have a baby? Will I feel that feeling of holding my own baby? Every day I see my chances for having a baby slowly fade away. I know there will be a few of you who will say, “it will happen one day.” or say, “don’t give up on your dream.” And I would like to thank you for the encouragement, but my anxiety and depression do not care about what you think (please do not judge me for that thought). I see the joy and the fullness a child can bring to your life, and I want that. Is that hard to get? Do I deserve that feeling? I battle with the pressure of not knowing if or when I will have a child. I see a baby, and the tears begin to pour down my face like a summer rainstorm. I want the fullness; I want the feeling of unconditional love. I want to see a baby with skin like mine and eyes like my husband. I want to watch them grow. God, I desire motherhood. When will that day come? Please be soon.

What Not to Say

There are days that I cannot stop myself from speaking badly about myself. I will dump some of the rudest things that I say to myself to erase them from my mind. Please note that I do not want anyone using these horrible statements.

• Your goals are not obtainable

• You are lazy

• No one sees value in you

• You just sleep your life away

• You are not smart

• You are wasting your time

• You cannot keep friends

• You are a nobody

• How did you make it this far

• It would help if you were further along

• You are a setback

• You have no idea of what you are doing

• Just stop while you are ahead

• It won’t work

Here’s how I fight back:

• It will work out for you

• The setback provides insight

• You are allowed to take breaks

• You are right where you need to be

• Keep going even if it takes you 100 attempts

• You deserve the good that happens to you

• You will help others succeed

• You are valuable

• You have all the time that you need to get it done

• Each day you grow smarter

I am not saying that each day I can come up with a positive thought, but I make it a point to know that I will not always have these bad days. I hope that this helps anyone who has ever told themselves that they are not good enough. You are doing great.

Looking through His Lens

“You look nice,” “You look good.” These are a couple of phrases; my husband tells me when I wear something that blows him away. And although it is nice to hear, my anxiety will not allow me to see it. I wish that every time I see myself, I could say those phrases to myself. I see the ugliness of my depression. I see the tiredness. I see fear. When I am out with my husband, every time a person walks pass us, I feel like they are looking at me. I make up situations in my mind that these people laugh at me or say messed up things to me. My husband, reading my mind and step in to let me know I am all he needs. He gives me the love I need, even when I am at my ugliest. Why can’t I see what he sees? I just want to see myself as he sees me. I want to love myself as hard as he loves me.

The Love I Want

Hun, can we talk for a moment? I know that you love me, but I want to see more. I want more adventure. I want more off the cuff. I want to be knocked off my feet. I want you to love me like you did when you first realize how much you love me. I want you to blow my mind with just a glance. I want to go back to the first time we met. I want that vibe again. Can we vibe again? I don’t want this honeymoon to end. Do you? I want to romance to stay on repeat like our favorite love song. Say you want that too. I want to fall in love all over again. And again. Would you please say you want this too? I love the thought of renewing our love. A renewal that we would never forget. I don’t want to forget. I want to fall for each other again. Hun, let’s fall for each other again. Let’s get back to when it was so simple.

Release

Someone asked me what do you need to release? Here’s my list:

I need to release fear

I need to release anger

I need to release regret

I need to release shame

I need to release losing friendships

I need to release pain

I need to release bitterness

I need to release the idea of failure

I need to release guilt

I need to release despair

I need to release tension

Will it be hard to release these things that are holding me back? Yes, but I need to release these things to become a freer me. I will work every day until I can check everything off this list.

Welcome Back

Hey Panic!

It’s been a while since we saw each other. How have you been? What have you been doing? What made you come to see me? I thought we were over? I didn’t think I would see you again, but here you are. Causing every muscle to stiff up in my body. What can I do to get you to leave? I need this heaviness off me. With you around, it’s harder to breathe. I see nothing but doom in your eyes. You bring out the most fear in me. I look at myself around you, and I do not like what I see. It’s ugly. It’s unusual. It’s scary. I hate being scared. Why are you here? Please go away. Please? I don’t like dying. I don’t want to feel death. Please go. Please?

What If

What if I made the wrong choice about my career?

What if I am not cut out for this degree?

 What if I am not as smart as my mother thinks I am?

What if I was the cause of my long-term friendships ending?

What if I don’t know how to communicate without getting in my feelings?

What if I cannot be the mother I desire to be?

What if I never find my hope again?

What if my mental illness is too much for my husband to take?

What if I never get out of my depressive thoughts?

What if…

I could say what if over and over, but the world will continue to turn. So instead of focusing on my “what ifs,” I will focus on my journey to a better, happier me.