Today is another day I let depression and anxiety sleepover in my brain. This time they brought with them a list of things that scare me. Here goes nothing.
I am scared of change. The funny thing is, I am a Gemini, and change is something that we should enjoy. That’s why you can’t trust the signs. Not at all.
I am scared of not being in control. I hate having to leave the decision making to someone or something else (I am a Type-A personality if you couldn’t tell).
I am scared of being a failure. I am so scared of failing; I will work myself to the point of wanting to pass out. Well, at least I didn’t fail, huh (that may be a fail, though).
I am scared of being by myself. To know that I have people on my side means the world to me, and to ever lose that, I don’t know what I would do. Also, don’t tell me that I was born alone; that doesn’t help me stop feeling alone and afraid.
Lastly, I am scared of letting people in. I love hard. If I say I am riding for you, I’m riding until the wheels fall off. With this mindset, I have seen myself giving my all to someone who will never show up for me. It’s safe to say if I leave my walls up, I can save myself from the fear.
My therapist said that it’s okay to be scared, but you have to find the willingness to push through. This means you can be scared AND still come out of that situation as the winner. I am working daily to fight through what scares me; if you are afraid of it, just take my hand. We will make it through together. It may be scary, but it will not defeat us.
I am writing to you to let you know that you have no place here with me. Yes, I know we have been friends for a while, but this relationship is not serving me. You keep me second-guessing my purpose and my gifts. You made me think that no one will ever see the good in me. Hell, you even made me think my husband didn’t want me. Doubt, you are no one’s friend and to think that I trusted you makes me upset. Please know that you are not wanted or needed anymore, and you can take all your negative thoughts that you gave me back. I never did and still do not require you in my life.
I just want to thank you. Thank you for accepting the role of my mother. I know I am not the easiest to deal with, but you handle it with grace. Thank you for knowing just when to call to talk me off the bridge. Thank you for the encouraging words even when I felt that I was not worthy of them. Thank you for showing me what being a woman and a mother is. You went above and beyond to make sure my brother and I had everything we wanted or needed. You went without to make sure we had it all (sometimes we didn’t deserve it, but we had our hands out), and nothing I could say or give you can show how thankful I am for you. I thank God for a mother like you. I could never ask for anyone that would be as loving and strong as you, mama. I can only pray that I can be half the mother and woman you are. You are truly my role model and my superhero. Mama, I could never find enough words in any language to thank you enough for everything you have done and still do for me.
2020 has taught me two things: One, if people do not want to be bothered with you, leave them alone, and second, people love saying they respect you in your face, but when they get the chance, they will take digs at you. For 2021, I made a mantra for myself, and if you feel that something I wrote can help you, feel free to use it.
I will live with purpose
I will learn to trust my gut
Being alone does not make you lonely
I will only give from my overflow
Taking time for myself is NOT being selfish
I do not need to convince people of my worth
I will not cheat myself out of the journey
I will not place myself in a relationship that does not serve me
I’ve been feeling down for a while due to the sun setting at 4 PM, on top of just being Bipolar and anxious. I decided that I did not want to be down anymore, so I started watching my wedding video. If I had to pick a day that I felt the happiest, my wedding day takes the cake. I want to share a little about that day if you don’t mind.
My husband Donta and I got engaged in June of 2017 and settled on a date in August of 2018. One day while working on our seating arrangements and Donta turned to me and said, “Let’s change the date to this year,” “I don’t want the big guest list; I just want to marry you.” I was a little upset at first because I wanted a big wedding and fanfare, but on the other hand, I realized that I only want to make Donta happy, and the rest of it did not matter. So we changed our date to December 22, 2017.
Our wedding day came, and I was so excited. We decorated our living room with daisies (fake ones because we were on a budget) and candles (Also fake, look, we were setting a mood, not trying to burn the house down). It seemed so whimsical and better than any wedding venue I could dream of. I was ready to marry my best friend! As my dad walked me down the hallway to greet my groom, all I could do was smile. I started thinking about the journey Donta, and I were about to start and how I could not see this life with anybody else but him. It will be 3 years in 13 days, and I love being married to this man every second of each day.
The moral today is: Although 2020 has thrown so many shots at us, we can still find our happiest ever to get us through it. I hope that happiness comes soon for you.
This letter has been a long time coming, but I want to say that I forgive you. I forgive you for not knowing what I needed from you as my father. I forgive you for losing sight of me and not realizing that you were hurting me. I forgive you for unknowingly choosing my sister over me. I want to say that I will forget all this, but I’m not sure that is something I can or want to do. The pain is deep, daddy. How could you not tell that I was in pain? How could you not see the sadness that I carried? I know that it was not something you wanted to do, but it happened. I also know that you want to jump right into a relationship with me, but I want you to know I need time.
I wish I had more to say to you. But honestly, I get emotional thinking about saying more to you. I cannot get back the daddy-daughter dances or the debates meets I wanted you to see, but I hope that we can talk without me feeling like a stranger to you. I don’t know if you would ever understand the pain and hurt I felt, but I want you to realize that I will try to work on us if you are willing to put in the work.
I am sorry that I have been hard on you. I did not realize how pushing you to pass your limits would make you cry. You are smart, and doubting you were the worst thing I could do to you. You do not deserve to hear the harsh words I say to you. You do not deserve to be beaten down for making small mistakes. I understand that making mistakes only helps you grow and reach your goals. I am sorry for making you think there is a right or wrong way to get to your dreams. You are allowed to march to a different beat from others. I get it now, Ari. I get that I hurt you, and that was not fair to you. You were born to live a life that fits you, not you trying to fit a life that was not designed for you to wear.
Please forgive me, Ari.
I did not know any better, but I am willing to sit back and trust the process that has been made for you.
I love you Ari, and I am willing to do what it takes to love you every day.
I know that the last two months have been tough for you but know that we will get through it. We don’t have to be perfect. We are fine the way we are. I know you feel that we should be on at all times; however, we are not a performer. We deserve to take breaks and try again later. We have to be patient with ourselves. We are not in a race with anyone. We can take our time until it is our time. We are loved and respected regardless if we make our goal today or two weeks from now. Ari, we have to stop being hard on ourselves and love ourselves harder. We will be okay. We are everything we need right and more. We do not lack for anything. We have our whole life to get to our calling. Don’t rush the small victories to see the main prize.
How hard is it for you to say no? If you are like me, saying no feels like slapping someone in the face. Saying no makes me feel guilty even when I have a reason to say it. So what do you do? Should you say yes forever? Well, I have a list we can all use to help fight the fear of saying no.
It is okay to say no…
If it doesn’t make you happy
If you feel as if someone is forcing you
If it doesn’t fit your plans
If it makes you uncomfortable
If you want to be by yourself and relax
If your feelings are not being valued
If it goes against what you believe in
If it’s a family member
If you have no reason other than you wanting to do it
Understand that it does not happen overnight. But remember, you have the right to say no to anyone about anything. Saying no helps protect your feelings, so use it when you can.